Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I always feel it valuable to write in here when I have something very deep to say and I never find myself just writing here because I got nothing else to do.

Well this is another deep time. Tonight as I was sitting in front of my TV with my scrounged up dinner of rice and fish, which is about all I have at the moment til I grocery shop, I wondered, is this going to be that time that my grandchildren say, “I don’t know how Gma did it?!”

I know this isn’t near what surviving feels like, but man, my heart feels like it’s just barely getting by. Let me complain all in one paragraph and get it out of the way so you don’t have to hear it anymore. Mac, although I love him more then ever, is make it very hard to be loveable. His nipping is getting more frequent, and after studying up on it, I found out it is because he is frustrated from being in his kennel all day. This also is affecting his barking. Today was Dad’s last day of work at Lonza. He cried, on the phone with me tonight and did his very best to make sure I couldn’t tell. He is so frustrated that he is know part of the statistic of people who have lost their jobs. Mom is on her second week of her 5-week layoff. She has three more to go, but at this very moment, she is waiting in a hospital for Grandpa who is having a very serious and possible fetal heart surgery. My sister is doing well, although her fiancĂ© isn’t, which is making things stressful on her as well. Seriously… is this really happening? I thought this only happened in movies. All I need is an affair, some climactic music, a contract… and I have an all American soap opera.

I don’t know if necessarily I could handle this, but I don’t understand how I got the luck of the draw here. And I can only do one thing… pray… that Dad gets a job, that Mom keeps her job, that Grandpa makes it through the surgery and that he remembers those times Grandma was yelling at him about going to church, that a miracle could get Andy out of this worthless legal trouble, and that Nathan were home to kiss me good night soon.

My heart is spent. I’m not giving my 100% anywhere, because I don’t know where any of it is…